i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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