my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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