Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
