Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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