We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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