3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
