New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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