My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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