Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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