areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
