What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
