sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
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True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
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I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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