So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
