Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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