I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
