i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
