I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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