I smell stomach acid.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
