I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
