capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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