So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
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I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
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The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
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