What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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