A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
