So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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