foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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