A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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