dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
