There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
