Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
