My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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