So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
