i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
