I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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