I CAN MOONWALK!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
