Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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