Where did you get a picture of my penis
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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