Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
