Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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