Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
