i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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