we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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