i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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