I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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