I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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