Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
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I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
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I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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