Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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