my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
