so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
