i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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