Please, let me fuck your mom
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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