i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
