I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
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I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
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If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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